|Posted by Miss Lamadrid HCL on August 8, 2012 at 9:20 AM|
---PART II of Stuck in Between Loss and Hopes (written in July 2012, on this site! See Below!)---
Last month, I wrote something about being stuck in someone'sworld and being trapped in my own hate and pain. My boyfriend and I were almost near to break-up again for the nth time. We’ve been on and off. It was really my fault. I must admit I was very insecure because of the past which I wasn’t supposed to. Despite of everything, it was still the best relationship I've ever had, which I think had made me even more paranoid than I usually would be. My thoughts were irrational, I thought of things exaggeratedly, until those things were no longer realistic. Everyone has fears in their relationships. For some reason that I was being cheated on before that my mind became completely obsessed by the crippling thought that he might do it again. What I’m saying is that, I think I had nothing to worry because he said, there’s nothing to worry about because that was a horrible mistake and he won’t ever do such things to hurt me again. But still, my mind was completely in fear-mode. The very thought of being cheated on and in pain filled in paranoid dread, so how must I start feeling like I had nothing to worry about?
We had plans together, we already had planned our future.Our future wedding, where to build up our own home, how many kids we’ll be having, etc…etc… One time last month, he told me to leave him alone. I knew he was sick and tired of all the dramas and arguments about anything and everything. I was afraid that it was for real and that we won’t recover this time. I thought I couldn’t handle that, so I must do something. I’m the weak one who doesn’t know how to start living all over again without him. I made myself dependent on him in so many ways that he became a part of me. I pressured him to talk about it soon, I kind of wanted to hear it instead of waiting and being sad and confused for too long. Since our anniversary was coming, I wanted to spend the whole special day with him. I asked him if I could be with him from 12:00MN of Aug 7 to 11:59PM of Aug 8. I've been moving into a new stage of my life, stressing a lot lately, crying, and so on. I like him, even with his inability to say the things I need to hear and everything. He has a lot of good sides, which make me want to be with him regardless. I was desperate to make it work and fix our relationship. If only I could bring back time to just go back to everything the way it was, I’d be willing to try harder.
It was Aug 7 at 5PM when I asked permission from momma if I can go to where my boyfriend is working because the next day is our anniversary and she said I can go tomorrow instead. My family likes my boyfriend way too much,they make him feel welcome in the family. I explained to momma about my concerns, but didn’t tell her the exact reason why I wanted to go. I just told her that I waited for 364 days for that day, that I waited for too long to spend the day with someone who makes the day special. Sure thing she didn’t understand that I was trying to save my relationship with the most important person in my life. The next day, Aug 8, I went to visit my boyfriend in the city while working. He absented himself from his work which gave me enough reason that he’sthe right one for me. We spent 24 hrs together, rode the karitela at night, had our dinner date, and had all the time talking things out. It was another best day of my life, of our life. After 24 hrs, I went home with a feeling that was more than just winning as gold medalist from the Olympics. So, momma finally understood that I tried to save my relationship and thanks to her ‘cause she let me.
Categories: Things About Me