Holly Cynth Lamadrid - lamadrid006.webs.com

Part II of My Official Website

Stuck in Between Loss and Hopes

Posted by Miss Lamadrid HCL on July 21, 2012 at 5:40 AM

        I don’t know how to start with this…

        We were schoolmates in a co-ed Catholic high school in our town. He was a senior with a junior girlfriend while I was a sophomore with no one just few friends when the first time I saw this cute with fair complexion and super neat guy. With an average height of 5 feet and 6 inches. I was struck by his fascinating smile and tantalizing eyes every time he was with her girl around the campus. A thought was always lingering inside my head, “How lucky is she to have a guy I will never have.” I was so sure that he wouldn’t like me. I’m not the type of girl he dreamed of, I guessed. I was neither beautiful nor a sexy-figured being. I was not even famous. We crossed path ways often times but we never talk, say hi, smile or anything. Just a single glance to me and numerous glances to him. We were completely strangers and one of us is hoping to be acquainted, be friends so to speak – that was no other than just me!

        To cut the story short…

        I started college in a well-known university of excellence in the mountains where they so called City of Pines and the Summer Capital Region. I had few relationships that didn’t last long. Six months was the longest so far. I had no news about the guy I wanted to speak with during my high school days. I didn’t know to where school he was attending to or what career he was pursuing even and whatnot. I took up nursing at Saint Louis University for a year and continued the rest in a well-known college with a high quality of standard education of nursing in La Union, which a second degree relative was the founder. I couldn’t actually believe what my 20/20 vision had saw – the question-mark-guy right there, was flashing the smile that once captivated me and that was my first time to see him laughing with his friends in same sex. So, I eventually found out that we were pursuing the same profession.

        After few days, I checked my e-mail and saw huge piles of notifications from Friendster.com. I actually hated receiving those large piles of notifications, but one thing allured me, a message from the guy I once dreamed of to spend the rest of my life with. I was dumb-founded that he was on my friend list and I never even notice. He was asking for my mobile phone for friendship purposes only, I gave it to him without second thought. Finally, it was my chance, thank God! We started exchanging text messages, got to know more each other better, and we became good friends. He was kind, sweet, and almost perfect. I couldn’t believe that he was no longer a stranger, that I had him not as a lover but at least a very good friend. It was better that way.

        Twist and turns were always there. My world was nothing short of hell on earth. I didn't know what that I needed to be happy and I wanted to because I've been depressed for too long and I hated it. I woke up feeling empty, bleak and started attracting good vibes but seemed things never change. I used to think I'd feel better if I had someone in my life but I knew it was deeper than that. My friends were all either in long term relationship or at the least steady one. It made me feel so insecure and jealous because I had no one. I didn't even go out that often anymore because my friends were busy with their own lives and studies whereas, I was taking a gap year to 'find myself' which I so horribly hadn't. I was lonely as hell and depressed most of the time. I really didn't know what to do to change it. I'd hated to think I was going to feel like that for the rest of my life. I sat at home alone playing on the computer. I wanted some excitement in my life, anything will do. But I just couldn’t seem to find it. I wanted some friends and people to hangout with. I just wanted a life that I enjoy living. I was so tired of just existing.

        He was there to fill the emptiness in my life. He chased me for more than a year before we became officially boyfriend and girlfriend. After he graduated in college, he had to go miles away for his family while I was left to where we started, pursuing my degree. It was a long distance relationship and I found it very hard to deal with. Yet, he sent me love letters and flowers on my birthday and on valentine’s. He introduced me to his family during our first Christmas Eve together. Everything was almost perfect. I couldn’t ask for more. I broke up with him at the exact date of our first anniversary – that was 6th day of August, 2009. I knew very well that I hurt him so much but it wasn’t my intention. How could I hurt someone I’ve been dreaming of to be with for the rest of my life? I guessed we needed space for each other. That hurt me when I saw him hurting, it hurts twice as much. I knew how it felt like and how hard to fight with a long distance relationship and kept the communication open. Some things might happen and I wasn’t ready for the consequences, I wasn’t ready to get hurt if one fine day he would just leave me. I didn’t tell him the reasons why I had to break up because I couldn’t. I couldn’t argue, I was afraid. I still loved him though.  I had done and said some things that I felt had made him hate me. I wanted to see him again, I guessed I just needed some confirmation that he hated me, if he did and it was proven, maybe I could move on. I didn’t know what I should do, if I should seek for him. I was scared that if I continue on that road, I was going to have a mental breakdown. I felt like I was going through a meltdown. I had prayed, asked around written letters but I was seemingly yes, stuck in a rut. Communication was cut for couple of months and it was almost 6th of August again, he sent memessages.

        Just when I was so ready for a commitment, 8th ofAugust 2010 we decided to get back and start a new life together again. It was 8th of August 2011 and we were supposed to celebrate our anniversary, but things had changed since. The guy I thought who was consistently so wonderful and nice turned out to be someone who consistently lied, cheated, and broke my heart into pieces. I was dumb-founded that this guy I once found almost perfect did things I hated the most. I didn’t know this could be the price of breaking up with him before. I never thought the price could be so high that it could be such scenario like being cheated to. That was exactly what I was afraid of and the reason why I broke up with him before, that someone might take him away from me. It was like millions of sharp pins were penetrating my fragile heart. That was the most painful and devastating scenario ever happened in my life so far. Still, I tried to patch things up though we stopped talking. I wanted to fix things because I thought I couldn't go on with life without him.  He was my everything and my life. I tried to reach him to talk things out but he wasn’t willing to straighten things out. I was not sure if I should take the responsible route, be depressed, unhappy and completely downright miserable but knew I did the right thing or took the submissive route, be unhappy but maybe succeed at something and follow the first dream I had in a long time to that I actually had motivation to do.





        Still he refused to talk. I decided to move on and go on with my life, hoping one day I would find someone who would be faithful and loyal. It was very hard keep going while all that I wanted was to be with him forever, but that was never going to happen anymore. It was mid December 2011 when he came by my house, tried to talk things out. Why the hell did he came too late? That I didn’t even know why.

        Again, to cut the story short…

        We broke up for so many times and accepted him for countless times. My friends told me not to give him another chance but I was foolish and stupid. I lost all of my friends and I had not made at least one friend since then. It was still a long distance relationship. He visited me at my house once or twice a month. Sometimes, never in a month. I tried to understand that he was busy with work. Tried to ignore the doubts and fears that he might be cheating on me again. Sometimes, no matter how busy he was he didn’t bother to call or text and I hated it. That brought us to arguments and silence for days. He kept doing it although he already knew I hated it when he didn’t call or text.

        What was a great challenge we overtook was still the same challenge that was overtaking us. I always did confront him about my unhappiness, opened up and admitted what I could see. Things got better for a time, and we had many ups and downs, got close to splitting up, then made up again. That became a cycle. He grew afraid of losing me, and he had changed a lot, tried to please me constantly.  But honestly, even though he kept telling me how much he loved me and tried to demonstrate it, I could only seen fear in his eyes, not love.  I only seen a fear of being alone and I didn't really see the love at all. I thought he didn't love me but he said he did.  He was so rational and it made me feel crazy. I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend, but then I was just started crying for no reasons and wiped out all of my work.  He got frustrated about my changes.  I got jealous so easily. Could I even explain it to myself, the WHYs of those impulses to leave?  I couldn’t break his heart.  How could I make it on my own?  Did I really even want to? I was not sure.  I knew I could only act when I was sure.  I needed to get clear.  I needed a serious look at the reality of my life whatever that was. I thought I got over it and people told me time heals everything. But it had not. I didn'tcry about it as much anymore, but just the thought of "I wonder how our life would be today if he didn't do that" was what bothered me. I was overthinking beyond too much. I dwelt on certain things that happened and I got stuck in those thoughts until I was completely tormented. It turned into nightmares so vivid that I kept myself awake on purpose so I didn’t have to live thru things again.  I kept thinking I could find a resolution to things but I thought about things so much that they didn’t even make sense anymore and they began to bother me more than they did to begin with. I didn’t know why I felt it is necessary to dwell and thought that somehow I could reverse the damage that many different situations had caused, and there had to be a way. But so far, nothing was coming and I was stuck in my brain. I wish I could turn it off.

        Every time we had a fight and misunderstandings, when I got hurt I still couldn't separate him from my thoughts. It just one of those things I refused to give up on. I just didn’t really know if I was truly inlove or if I was truly stupid inlove.  Sometimes I ate a lot and sometimes I didn't eat at all when I was depressed and hopelessly thinking about how hard being stuck in his world. I did nothing all day besides slept at 3 in the morning after sitting online all day and then woke up 10-12 hours later. I wanted something to motivate me but I didn't want to waste my time waiting for something. I WANTED TO BE THE SOMETHING. But I was not. I was in a rut with myself.  It had been a rough few years of my life. Every time I tried to make a change I somehow got back in the same place! I was so tired of being strong and needed a break! I am just tired being sick and tired! But how did I know when to draw the line?  I did know that I didn’t like crying and I didn’t like fighting to define what my relationship was with my boyfriend. He said he loved me but c’mon, I knew when a man really meant it vs. when it was bullshit. I just wanted to believe in that relationship as much as possible, but I felt hopeless all at the same time. My relationship was unbelievably awful. I believed I had loved the numbest human on the planet and I hated myself for not seeing it before I jumped into this. I was fucking lost and damn stuck in between despair and hopes.

        Could still there be someone help me fall in love with myself all over again?

        What I had realized was that it was not what you know; it was what you go through. From there you learn how to change yourself for the better. Learn from other people’s mistakes and your own. Once you find the key to your problems, use it to open the gates of the world. Live life instead of holding back. You only live on earth once. Don't be afraid of it, embrace it. Sometimes I do still sit in myself pity and think of things I could of, should of, and would of done and didn't. It’s hard to move forward when you have no closure from before. But for now I have to take it one day at a time and I know one day I will learn to move forward instead of backwards, then I'll be able to pressplay on my life.


Categories: Things About Me

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